Soelk ™

There's something about that place...
It's so alluring.

The air is thick with mist that is nearly ice cold.
The sunrise does not exist here
and in the night time hours, the monsters;
like out of a dream come out to hunt.

What is this? A dream? or a nightmare?
It is a place that one can grow to love
It is a place...called SILENT HILL.

Trapped in a dark and mystic fantasy world, those who lurk the streets of Silent Hill struggle to break free of it's hellish flames and mindbending puzzles whilst being chased by monsters of very unusual and unbelievable forms.

Do you wish to challenge the nightmares?
(click graphic to enter.)

Oh, boy has things picked up. I mean, I was like totally bored and then there was a rush of like everything coming up at once. Lets start off with... Hmm, what should I start with. Something positive, well basically it was all rather positive. Until I twisted it into something else. Let me see, I can go into Brand. Which he is coming around more, a good thing it seems. I swear, I was so close this time. I mean, everything was great. We were alone, no one was due to come back. Just me and him. We even watched some porn, which seems to be a rather strange thing all my friends tend to do... I can understand watching porn by yourself but come on now. It is rather odd watching it with a bunch of guys or even alone with another guy. IMO...

Anyhow, it was all rather odd. I even got him to take off his shirt... So... I mean. Yeah, good eye candy. Though it was a bit... um... strange, he even got into talking about his ..er.. body parts again. So I mean, come on. Porn, nakedness, and Sexual talk. All that seems to equal something more than, innocent. Then I get to thinking, which always ruins everything. I love the boy more than anything, if there came a point to where I messed that up by doing something I shouldn't... I would never forgive myself.

So, as always. I am stuck being yet another person's friend. Nothing wrong with that I suppose. I mean, I seem to actually be a real good friend. Mostly, as much as I can be... I am going to be a virgin, forever. lmao

Um, both my nephews are cool. Healing and feeling better, all good. Everything has finally started to move up and out, instead of down and in. If that made any sense, lmao. My uncle and his wife, had a baby scare but she is cool now. They are scared for her, as she had problems with her last child. So now they are watching everything she does, making sure she eats proper and all that good stuff. She really needs to have her own children, though that would make me have two more cousins... As she is supposed to have twins.

My friend Ven and I are getting along again. No petty fighting... so everything seems to be working out.

Things look a tad different around here because I got bored. ... Dunno. lmfao... I mess around with junk when I get bored. Why you people are supposed to keep me moving. Sheesh. ^_^;;;

Brand was here today, of course he was his normal cute self for once. Not the asshole that usually arrives, willing to talk all kinds of trash and what not. When we are by ourselves, he is cool. I suppose he doesn't feel he has to put up a front to make people think he is cool. I've explained to him how that stuff doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter how many girls you've slept with, or how much money you get to spend on those girls in the process, which it seems to me he is missing out. Shit, if he spent money on me I'd damn near do- Er... I would already damn near do anything for him already. So money would just make the deal better.

My nephew that was sick the other day is cool, I am going to spend the whole day with him. You know, be the father-ish type person it seems I was supposed to be. Why fight fate?

Oh, and my friend that wanted to kill himself said he wants me to be his older brother type of friend. So, what that means... Hell, I dunno. He said he looks up to me. Riiiiiight, don't see why all these damn people like me. I mean, look at me. Not like I have a lot to offer, though, maybe it is the fact that I offer even when I completely run out. I am selfless, to a fault. I am willing to give someone my last dollar, knowing that I will not get something to drink for the next six hours. Just because they asked, I have to lie just so I won't end up giving it to people. I have to lie sometimes... because... If I don't, I'd give it all away. I love to give, though feel strange when someone tries to give me something back in return.

I am always last in my book... Sad that, it's just I usually love someone else so much that I tend to follow that and not think about what I want.

Oh, of all great things. My nephew almost died again...

Lovely, huh?

Well, first he had problems with his lungs. Which almost got him so sick that he died. The boy still sounds like he has problems breathing, now he had his appendix taken out because it was inflamed or something. The sad thing was, I was told he kept asking for me... Through the whole thing. Which to me, makes me happy and sad at the same time. I do love my nephew, I love that he wants me around... It's just, I can't be. Not all the time, I have my own life to live. He isn't my child, if he was, that would be another story. If I could adopt him or something again, I would. Yet, his mother seems to want to dump him on me and that hurts. It is like she doesn't care about him and me wanting to fix everything... I try to keep my space from him. So he can start to call for his mother when he is sick, or his father... Not me. I don't live with him anymore and I have a job, I just can't be there. I am also scared to be there like that... I will always love him, no matter what. I need something before I can be the person to teach him, I need... to learn a few things. I can't reconnect with him until I learn this. Or maybe I am using that as a crutch? And yet again, I have to work tomorrow. And if I call in I have Thursday off... so... that would be hours I need. Or... I'll be broke. Got bills to pay... And yet, it hurts to have to know that he is calling for me at the hospital and I can't be there. Bleh. Whoever said love was worth it, wait... I said it was.

He should be fine, they took it out. So, everything should be healthy...

What scares me most... Is she was trying to get me to take him last night, knowing he was sick. If he stayed with me, I had no car and his mom works rather far from my house. So... Like... If he had gone into shock or his appendix burst... I might have been the reason he got worse... Me... I could have killed my nephew. If anything like that happened, I would not have known what to do. Though, why the hell was she trying to get him over to my house if he was sick? Why? ... I have Thursday off and will be spending the whole day with him. Rather his family like it or not.

Gonna buy him some balloons and some candy?

A toy?

Something. Just be there for him.

Oh, and... my best friend tried to kill himself I suppose. Even if he did a rather piss poor attempt. One of those people who does it for the attention I think. I did the whole, motherly/fatherly thing. Made him feel better about himself a little, said how he was to good to kill himself over his girlfriend... The whole speech about how everyone has a reason to be alive sort of thing. A purpose, which all of this was a loud of crap. I don't know shit about reasons... In a world that tries to kill a four your old boy, what reasons are there beyond the cold fact of just trying to get out of life... what you want. Rather, I know what I want and it is my nephew and friends. Anyhow, I told my friend he did it wrong... He tried to cut his wrists...

He did it wrong...

After telling him all that good crap...

I told him a better way to kill himself.

Why? To that I have no answer. I still think it was for the attention... Maybe I was just giving him a sign that other people have a hell of a lot of pain. That even though I wondered about death, I never actually cut myself... That, his reason for doing it was a hell of a lot more childish than the reason I wanted to. He wanted to kill himself to show his girlfriend he couldn't live without her, sounds stalker-ish... I wanted to die to get away from the pain, though I think I died on the inside. Which I sort of fixed since then because I fell in love with someone. Something I didn't think I could do... There are two people I love no matter what, my nephew and Brand.

Brand is a freakin' dork to the extreme... I mean, God... How many times do I have to spell it out to him that I am gay? We were talking about those crazy girls that were stalking me... and then he said. "Oh, well. I know some girls that you would love to hang out with, I'll take you with me next time I go to see them." And I was all like, "Yeah, the only reason I would go would be to hang out with you." The boy said, "Gaaaaay." I of course responded with, "Yep, for you."

First, I don't know if he thinks it is his goal in life to turn me straight or what. This boy talks about his damn penis and had me do all this questionable stuff to him, touching mostly. So, if he isn't gay he at least wants to experiment. Which I am all for, I love the boy but would settle for being friends with benefits. Maybe that makes me a whore, good. I'm a virgin so I would gladly be a whore over a virgin. Being all pure and innocent sucks, I mean really. People don't understand how hard it is...

No one expects you to wanna do something like be friends with benefits.

But, come on now.

He is a bright guy, mostly. So, I mean he has to have some idea. I've flat out told him what I would do for him so, hmm, maybe he blocked those memories out? Well, he said he might come back over tonight so I will try to see what I can tell him. Gonna be hard, as he seems to only hear what he wants.

I am so tired of being the goody-goody virgin type... really.

And, on a side note. I am not sick anymore it seems. My fever has not returned, I still got a killer head ache but pills take that away. My day at work didn't suck that bad, though I don't know.

Oh, now I have a fever. On top of my head ache, which I now have to wait for my lovely pills to work. Generic kind, of course I am going to have chills and the shakes till the thing goes down. What fun!!! Yay, I just wish I could call in for work.It is at 102.1 now... Yay, fun stuff.

Gonna have to wait the fever out, cover up with blankets, and stay doing something till it happens. Keep my mind off of it.

Er... I tried to call Brand during our great weather to make sure he was okay... He never responded, his is soooooo great. lmao, dunno why I care but I do.

People at work are still being asses...

I want to call in now, I was supposed to have sat off to begin with. But... nooooooooooo. Bleh on them.

This is beginning to make me wonder about what people say behind my back, when some one else is out of hear shot they start bad mouthing them. I mean, I may be annoying but... Not mean, why would they be mean to me? I give everyone a chance, no matter how bad a person someone tells me they are. Just because... I know they are mean or act evil for a reason, mostly it is some hurt or pain they want to mask. Usually.

I gotta go, can't think of what else to put.

MY FRIENDS FROM THE SILENT HILL BOARD ARE GREAT!!! As are all my other friends, just giving them some credit today.

Isn't he special? LMAO... Maybe. ANYHOW...

First I must say, my place of business sucks so much ass that... If it sucked any more ass it would be a Public Toilet with crap smeared everywhere. I mean, it is that bad. The people who run the place are rude, no I mean... RUDE! Sheesh, it is fine for them to joke around and call me a Stepchild, or... a Department Botch. But, hell, if I try to joke about anything they get mad. I mean, what the hell is that? You can call me names and junk but I have to keep my mouth shut? Doesn't make any sense. Oh and God Forbid I get done with my work early, then they start saying I don't work at all. OMG!!! I've been at work for five hours and got done early, not my fault it was a slow day. What do you want me to do? Shit out customers? I belive that might hurt. These people make me feel like crap most of the time, even when I am already feeling sick.

Got a sore throat... And feel mucky.

OMG!!! And just because you are having personal problems... Doesn't mean you have to start passing off your job on to me, hell, I am one big walking personal problem.

1. I AM IN LOVE WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.

2. THE WHOLE GAY THING, keeping it in the so called closet.

3. My family life sucks.

4. My friends use me.

5. I AM SICK!

But you don't see me being a little bitch about it, suck it up! Damn.

Sorry, I got mean there.

But... Yeah, I'm sick so we will blame it on that.

Oddly enough, I love the way my friend Brand smells. Er... Not like, when he stinks of course. Bleh, more like... I dunno, for some reason I can't remember I wore his jacket the other day and almost didn't give it back to him. I don't want to sound like a stalker but... Damn, I can't do anything but love that boy. Even when I try to be mean to him, or ignore him, I just can't do it for long. He has this way of worming his way back in, passed my defenses which I built up over years and years. And, he does it so easily. Like he was born to do that, maybe he was? lol... Could be. Would explain a lot. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!! It is rather annoying if you ask me... But I still love it.

But... I have such a hard time speaking my feelings. I mean, I've said some rather... Er... Sexual things to him but not where they came from. More than anything I am scared of him. Scared that, he might turn it around and actually want to like me back. Which I want but... I dunno. I'm odd.

I am just happy that I can love, it has been so long since I felt nothing.

More than anything, I am happy.

I just wish these crazy girls would stop stalking me and texting me on my phone... LMAO

10 F A V O R I T E S
TV show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lost, Charmed, Supernatural, Angel, Invasion, InuYasha, Family Guy, Trigun, Futurama
Flower: Any type of Lilly?
Alcohol: Don't really drink.
Movie: Anything horror, even the chunk of cheese ones.
Color: Blue
Sport: Like to Jog?
Mall: Don't Do Malls much
Music: R&B, Hip Hop, Alternative Rock, J-pop/Rock, Some Classical Music

10 F A C T S
Hometown: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Height: 5'8"
Hair color: Orange w/ blonde spot (natural)
Hair length: buzzed short
Eye color: Bright Blue
Shoe size: Size 12
Mood: Meh

10 L O V E L I F E
Do you believe in love? Yes
Why did your last relationship fail? Don't remember, which may be the problem
Have you ever been heartbroken? Yeah, many times.
Have you ever broken someones heart? Seems so.
Have you ever fallen for your best friend? Oh, hell yes.
Are you planning on getting married? Hope so.
Are you afraid of commitment? Not really.

10 THIS OR THATS
Love or lust? A little of both, I've been in love with people in which it started as lust.
Hard liquor or beer? None
Day or night? Night all the way, it's when J'Dee is online. lmao
Hook-ups or relationship? Haven't had much of either, mostly relationships I suppose.
T.V. or internet? Both, though Net all the way.
Pepsi or coke? Pepsi
Wild night out or romantic night in? Romance All The Way
Saturday or Sunday? Saturday, my only day off usually.
Colored Or Black&White? Colored

10 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No
Have you ever skinny dipped? Not lately
Have u ever done somethin you regret? Hell, yes.
Have you ever bungee jumped? Nope, scary.
Have you ever been on a house boat? No
Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? When I was a kid
Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? ... Yes...
Have you ever stayed up all night til the sun came up? Hella yeah
Have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey? No
Have you ever been caught by your parents doing anything more than making out? Nope

10 ARE YOUS
Are you missing someone right now? Not Really
Are you in a relationship with any one? Depends on what you mean
Are you happy? Mostly
Are you talking to anyone right now? Chatting to rainbowwisher
Are you bored? A little
Are you German? Maybe a little genetic link some place
Are you Irish? Could be, my family are mutts
Are you Italian? Dunno
Are your parents still married? Divorced when I was a one year old.
Are you a stupid myspace shit head? Have it but don't use it.


NOW

Is your hair up?: No
Is your phone right beside you?: Cellphone is
Do you have a bf/ gf?: I wish
Do you miss someone?: Um... Yeah
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: Oh, maybe
Do you have plans for tonight?: No got to work tomorrow
Are you wearing makeup?: Never
Are you wearing chapstick?: Nope
Are you cold?: A little of both
Are you tired?: Sort of
Are you excited?: Not really
Are you watching t.v.?: Samuri Champloo
Are you wearing pajamas?: Nope, wearing clothes
Who's the last person you IMed?: Jei
Who's the last person that called you? Brand

PAST

Anything you regret? Things I did to my friends, out of fear.
Ever lied?: About my Sexuality? Yes...
Ever stuck gum under a desk?: Ewwwww... No
Ever spit at someone?: Not on purpose
Ever kick something living?: Brand... Er.. Well, that was more of a dive attack.
Ever had your nails done?: Hell no
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: No


LAST WEEK

Have any plans last week?: Hang out with Family
Who did you see most last week?: Ven and Brand, plus my brothers
Was last week interesting?: It was okay.

TODAY

Have you cussed?: A tad
Have you yelled at someone? Not really, a yell...
Have you gotten mad at someone?: Nope, and that makes it a good day
Have you cried?: Not lately, I've even tried to force myself too.
Have you called more than 3 people?: Text Message Count? If so... Yes.
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: Sure did.
Have you shaved your legs?: No, never
Have you gotten laid?: *Cough* Virgin... Did some touching but doesn't really count.
Have you eaten anything gross?: Dirty Rice and Onion Flavored Hash Browns... Poor, can't help it.
---------------------------------------------------

Spill your guts

1. First thing you did this morning?: Woke up and took a shower, Brand was due to come over.
2. Last thing you ate? Hash Brown
3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap?: It is a piece of Crapola
4. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?: Paychecks?
5. What's annoying you right now?: My Thirst and Hunger
6. What's the last movie you saw?: The Skeleton Key on DVD
7. Do you believe in long distance relationships?: Never really had one

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: If you haven't noticed Brand and maybe a few other guys...

Q Where is the last place you went?
A: Bathroom ...

Q: Who is the last person you called?
A: Some Crazy Girl

Q: Been cheated on?
A: Nope, not that I know

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?
A: Neither actually, odd as it seems. Though my dad has a little red hair... So I guess him.

Q: Do you have any siblings?
A: Two Bros and a Half Sister

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes, even when I am not happy.

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
A: Maybe

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity)
A: love, I already have creativity...

Q: Do you wish on stars?
A: Used to... Until I decided wishes don't come true. Why I don't pray I think...

Q:Does it work?
A: Not for me.

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
A: Nope

Q: Would you kill someone?
A: No one has the right to take a life. So... No.

Q: When did you last cry?
A: More than likely a year ago.

Q: Do you like your handwriting?
A: Sucky at best

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: People seem to think so

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?
A: Sort of... Don't like... You know, tell everyone my sexual tastes

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
A: Mine

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: Red, long t-shirt

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: Dog, a snake, and a fish

Q: What is the color of your bedsheets?
A: White with strips

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
A: Talking with Brand... I know. He is around a lot.

Q: I can't wait till..
A: I get to have some form of sex

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: My T.V.

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: Yes

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep?
A: Don't think so

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
A: Never, my friends love to cry on my shoulder.

Q: Song that makes you cry?
A: None

Q: Are you a normally happy person?
A: Yes and no, if I was unhappy I would still act happy

Q: Is your self-esteem low?
A: Sort of, kind of... More than likely.

Q: What color are your eyes?
A: Blue

Q: Long or Short Hair?
A: Either

Q: Current Music?
A: Paramore - My Heart

The only person I have ever felt anything "real" for is coming over tomorrow... And I have so many things I so wish I could tell him. Once, a little while ago I could say these things. Now I feel ashamed. Like maybe I ruined whatever friendship we did have in saying them. I just, I dunno. I can't get over this feeling. I don't know if it is like "love" to the fact that I want to be with him. It is strange. I love who he is, I love the fact that he has turned everything bad that happened to him into strength. He is beauty in every sense of the word, smart and kind... Of course he isn't bad looking either. So... That might explain it. Maybe I see him as someone I want to be like, I've let every problem that has happened to me just walk all over me. I never fought back, I believed that it happened because I deserved it. And... Maybe I did.

I was the one who cut myself off from everyone.

I was the one who became cold to those who cared for me.

It's just, for the longest time I didn't think I could feel love. And now that I have found that I love someone, who I don't think can love me back, it is rather... Bleh. Doesn't seem to be a point to it all.

But I love feeling this way, even with the dark feelings that come along from time to time. Better to feel something than nothing at all. Any one who has cut out people, tried to become cold to everyone... Knows that it is better to feel something, even if it is negative sometimes.

I run away from everything. I can't find reason when someone tells me I am special... Or that I am good looking... For such a long time people (namely family members) have told me how ugly and different I am. Seeing as I have brothers that are blonde and 6 ft basketball players/football players who get praise from everyone no matter what they do. I have to fight for anything with my family... Just because I am different. I don't rely on them as I probably should. I haven't told them in a long time that I love them, when I was younger I felt like I was telling them and being a liar. Because I didn't know if I loved them, I didn't feel like they loved me in return. Maybe that is why I go out of my way for Brand, he has shown he cares for me. And even if it isn't the same feeling I have for him, it is something I feel. I feel that he has shown his true feelings for me, no matter how much of a jerk he can be.

I am not saying he is a saint or anything. He has done some things... I won't go into grave detail but he isn't always the smartest person when it comes to girls. I will admit he has done some things in the past that ended up hurting me. But... I can't stay mad at him. Which in turn makes it happen again and again.

Well, never said I was the brightest person. And I will charish whatever time I get tomorrow... er... today. Whatever.

If that is what I must do, I will.

At the least I can tell him I am not angry with him... And that I miss him coming around.

Eh.. Might just be enough.

Yeah, so... Hands off, everyone else. I know you want me.

She will beat up anyone who ticks me off...

lol, maybe. I bet she could beat someone up if she tried.

If need be, I could see myself fighting someone for her... To protect her. Of course.

J'Dee is the best ever!!! I've known her forever...

Well, well, well... What to say.

In everyone there seems to be an equal amount of light and darkness, good and evil, though sometimes it seems that we forget this. Which, I mean, I have no idea what I am talking about but it seems true enough. People seem to ignore the fact that they have evil inside of them, EVERYONE is good as they see it. Though no one can admit to being evil, unless they are joking. Even then, they are probably telling the truth. Sort of why I think most people hide who they really are on the inside.

Anyhow...

I saw an old friend, who is like so totally hot now that my jaw literally fell to the floor. I did drool a tad I must say, damn. It blows my mind how girls can treat a guy like that so bad, he is friggin' hot. He isn't a bad guy or anything either. So... I dunno, girls are strange creatures. Even the ones I sort of understand are odd at times. Well, everyone is odd. So... Who knows? It makes me so angry that people don't see how beautiful they are, they don't see anything. People only see thier faults, they don't see how lovely they can be. Though, it's that way for me too. I don't see my own positive traits, though many people tell me how great a person I am. I can not see it at all for the most part. I think maybe I am just strange. Sometimes soon I am thinking to get into photography or something, taking pictures of people and all that artistic crapola. Sounds fun. I hope I can get some of my friends to model, er... Nothing X-Rated, you know, unless they wanted to go that far with it. lmao. It would have to be artistic nothing like porn. Not like I would be showing them off to millions of people or anything. Yet... lol

Oh, things of intrest...

My little nephew (he is four) was watching a cartoon show and said, "Why she have such big boobies?" As the woman on there did have big breasts... So... I mean, I was wondering that too. But then his three year old sister said, "I got boobies." Which then I was like... "oooooooooooooookay." She is only three. Though, I mean it is better than what she said before about she had a penis. The girl is the only girl in the family so, she was just mimicing something one of her brothers said but it was still funny.

I had to watch them and they had to watch Tarzan... again. My nephew can sing all the songs... *Cough* And I can too mostly. I've seen it like thirty times. Sometimes I wish that Jane would get tossed into the ocean by Tarzan who then would marry a gorilla and have freak children.

If given the chance, would you drop everything and move on?

Just drop all of your problems and go some place new...

I mean...

I think...

I don't know if I would. Everyone dreams of being able to change and having something new happen. I mean... If my special person asked me I think I would. That just won't happen. And I know it won't happen, yet there is a slim chance that it might happen. Though, that is basically a small thread of nothing. And it won't happen, maybe as I know that it makes it easier for me to be cool with it. I dunno. You never seem to love the right person, when other people like you it is hard. I just don't know how to handle it. I'm not used to all these freakin' people liking me. I got like four girls and two guys, something very odd. Must be that it is spring again or something.

Like I always ask, who knows? God maybe?

I'm done now. Nothing much else going on.

rainbowwisher Is a great person!!!

Oh, how to start this.

Me Vs. Machine

First things first, my damn laptop is getting on my nerves. It's over-heating for some reason, I've only had it for four months at the most. Dunno, I prolly broke something. I have that effect on machines sometimes. I'm going to buy one of those cooling fan/thingies from Best Buy tomorrow. Or an mp3 player. Who knows? I suppose I'll figure it out once I get there. Er.. Well, as I was typing this it seems my fan has died. Or it has decided to work at the most minimal it could possibly accomplish.

Winner: Machine

Fine, fine we shall move from that topic.

Me Vs. People

I know I'm going to lose them eventually, so I cut the attachment early. And I know its wrong. Yes, it is totally wrong. But I do it anyhow. I try not to and end up doing it anyhow. So, do I think I am better than everyone else? I don't know, honestly. Am I better than them? I really don't want to be, even if that is the truth of the matter. So is that an answer? I really have no idea. I just want to be me for once. ME! If I remember who I was. Its been a while, I've pretty much buried myself in being happy and acting like nothing bothers me.

A little puppet. Who the master is... Dunno.

Me?

But the point of the Me Vs. People is thus...

The girl that is stalking me, who I thought had backed off, is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. She is a nice girl and everything. I mean, she is nice. But... But... She is totally into different things than I am, she knows nothing about me and is all "You're so hot." It's like come on, you don't even know me. God, so what if I'm hot. I'm broken on the inside. I've got scars. She doesn't care, or seem to want to see that. Just back off a tad, if I like you... Try to talk to me every once and a while. Not like force me to talk on the phone about nothing. I'd rather this other girl like me... I mean, I like her. This other girl is so sweet and blind to how pretty she really is. But, like most girls. She doesn't want to get to know me any other way than like a brother. Most girls seem to catch on to the whole, sort of gay vibe. Oddly enough.

That and my friend Ven, we had a strange conversation... Very strange. Something along the lines of me liking him came up, I didn't deny it and he hasn't talked to me since. So this is two people I have caused to run away, lmao. If you ever want to get rid of someone ask me to do it, I'm actually rather good at it.

So..

Winner: People

Woooooo!

Power Battles

I feel like I have been fighting for control of everything. Of who I am, who I will be. What I have done and will do... I am me and yet not. There are fragments of who I am, floating around. Beyond my molestation, beyond my ability to push away everyone... Just by my words alone. I have never stopped trying to be...

Hell, I used to pray to God every night that he wouldn't let me wake up. That I would die and not leave my own dreams, so that I could have an ounce of control over what has gone on with me. Things have gotten better, I never believed in suicide so that has never really come up. I will never kill myself, though I thought if God killed me it would be his will. So if I prayed to God for death, in some way it was good. Nothing bad, that was also the around the time I stopped praying. He never answered and I actually felt ashamed of doing it. Sometimes I thought I felt God, oddly enough. Maybe I did and it scared me? I'm just crazy. Always will be and shall be. Not crazy in the head, just crazy in spirit. Who knows? God?

Even if he cares, I still think its funny. God allowed me to be molested, by at least two people... or three if I rememeber right. Though my memory is horrible so... I don't know. I'll stick with three... the fourth was by my own choice so it wasn't really anyone's fault. But I am not angry, or do I care about me being molested. In that, it does not rule my life. I am in pain, have been for so long that it doesn't bother me. There are tons of people who have been molested, why am I any different from them? I'm not. So... I joke about it. Tell everyone and act like the pain was never there. This works actually.

Winner: Me? Yay!!!

Confusion & Doubt

This just sums up how I've felt lately.

Nothing big.

Just have a lot on my mind. Dealing with the past.

I miss someone dear to me, someone that I never thought it would happen. Strange. I do miss him, I loved him, and strangely enough. I blame myself for what happened to him...

I took the first step in... Forgiving my friend Brand, not that I will ever really trust him. I can not stay mad at him forever. I just... He called not to long ago, he was actually trying to talk to me. Like, not asking questions for himself. Just, trying to be friendly. So what I do? I acted like such an ass. I was so mean to him that even I felt horrible for it, that moment made me feel like crap. So... I called him back. I haven't called him in like two months, so yeah. Well, I asked him what was up. Tried to talk to him about some junk, I wasn't really into it that much.

I do love him... So, why not forgive him? Doesn't mean I have to like him the same as I did. Or that I will ever trust him again. He has to gain that back. Which is really going to be hard. It may never happen. He just... He has these moments where he is like a star, this bright lovely thing which pulls others to him. Brand can be a good person, he just doesn't try. He feels that everything should just come to him, without him having to do it for himself. Which is bad... He needs to grow up a bit more, before he gets even further into the patterns he has started.

Doing this, trying to forgive him has made me feel better. I feel calm.

That and tired.

I feel like taking a nap.

Dunno, well thats all for now.

OMG...

My friend yet again brought porn over to watch, now I must say. Isn't that odd. Beyond the fact that we are both guys and watching it alone seems to be a bit strange to me. Maybe I am just reading to far into it, though none of my other friends does this. So maybe, well. Dunno, don't want to make assumptions on anything. He is cool, I'd love to keep our friendship pure. Changing it might cause problems.

He does have a girlfriend and everything. Though she is a bit needy. Maybe that is why?

Dunno.

I have very odd friends.

Very odd.

Well, of course I am odd too. So, well it fits together.

My friend Brand is still being an ass. I try so hard not to be mean to him, try to keep my hatred under control. Yet, that is very hard. He know has no clue as to why I am mad at him, which in itself is a reason for my anger to hold merit. He doesn't care. If it doesn't involve him and his way of thinking, its false. I supposed I loved the part of him that was false. He was fake, still is. Now everytime I see him I see him as a fool, he struts around like he is the biggest shit ever. It makes me so sick.

So sick of him thinking he is so much better than me, just because I am different than him. Dunno, maybe I am just crazy.

Anyhow I am bored now, gotta go.

Wooo!!!

I was born today. Yay! And God said let me be born, for what reason? Who knows.

Its worth it though. I must say.

Well... Sometimes.

Anyhow, just posting to show I am trying to keep this up. I get forget to check this place out every now and then, bad memory of course. Though, I really haven't had much to put.

I got about six people to tell me Happy Birthday, and the was from midnight on... So, lets see how many more I can get during the day. Sounds fun.

Well... About it.

Don't got much to report on.

Life has been mucho boring these past few days.

Besides one matter, I will rant about it later. I've got the most odd friends ever. See ya.

Odd little title up there...

I dunno how I feel lately, I am happy my birthday is just around the corner. Well, it is like in two days now. I'm going to be 22. Getting old, I know. But, I feel so bleh about the whole thing. I am doing the thing where I shut people out again. Its so hard to turn that part off. To ignore that little voice in your head, the one that tells you to not trust them and they will only hurt you in the long run. I am tired of that little voice winning the conversation. As then I do shut those people out. One of my friends wanted to buy me a gift for my birthday, he was all set to take me to the mall and pick something out. Though in my mind I twisted everything to the point where I didn't even want to go. I told him not to worry about it, which he got sort of mad at. So now I will probably get nothing for my b-day. Not that I was expecting a whole lot.

My friend could never give me what I really wanted. No one can. That was part of why I didn't want to go with him to get something. I felt it was fake, that he was doing it because he though he was supposed to. Like I said before, I don't make sense. Dunno why I thought that.

All I can guess is that I was starting to trust him, so... I had to think of some way to shut myself off from him, thus the fact I turned his gift into some dark motive. Its odd when it comes to giving gifts, I love to give them to everyone. Though when someone tries to give me one I feel odd, I suppose don't feel like I deserve one. Which may or may not be the truth to the matter. Do I deserve them?

I lie to pretty much everyone.

Even myself.

I push everyone away, which they got to get annoyed at.

Another reason I feel so bleh is...

Well... I am about to be 22 and I don't feel like I lived my life at all. 22 years of nothing. Junk, pointless crap without a reason. I need to find my Reason, and fast. Before it gets to late, though forcing such a thing will be hard its got to be done. Before I am like 39 with seven cats and newspapers in piles around my house.